The Hank Journal
by 10Stargazer01
Summary: A one-shot related to the story "Running in the Shadows" (and contains spoilers for this). Tells the story of how Hank and Cordelia met, from Hank's perspective. AU. Should be read after "Running in the Shadows", but can stand alone.


**A/N: This is a story related to "Running in the Shadows". Contains spoilers!**

 **So I was writing a small synopsis about Hank's take on things in my story "Running in the Shadows" (which is also in here, for those who don't know), and I ended up making this one-shot from Hank's perspective. It takes place in the ten years between part 1 and 2 of "Running in the Shadows", so there will be spoilers on that one, up until chapter 27 I should think. Anyway I thought it was great fun to write and I've had it half-finished for so long, I thought I might just wrap it up and share it with you guys. Hope you like it! Comments are as always greatly appreciated.**

 **And of course, I own nothing! Sadly. Now, please enjoy.**

* * *

Your father has pointed her out for you. The Goode girl. Get all the dirty intel on the arrest of her old maid out of her is your mission. You barely know anything of her mother, Fiona Goode, your father's competition, and this doesn't really mean a lot to you. You remember that you've seen her once as a kid and she made you nervous then, but that's about it. To be honest you would rather focus on your education, become that damn lawyer your father thinks is so important. Also, you'd like to do it well so he can stop speaking to you like he's expecting you to fail. But your father's schemes comes first. That's how it's always been. Your father's success is what matters, you are in reality just a pawn.

Now you're looking at Fiona Goode's daughter. Apart from the blonde hair, there isn't much resemblance. This girl doesn't look like some bully, she looks quiet. Guarded. Insecure. Not the things you associate with the reputation of Goode. But if she is anything like her mother she won't be easy to get through to. You have to plan this.

You're quite spot on with your initial assessment; she's almost impossible to get close to. She's not mean – the furthest possible you can get from being mean quite frankly – but she's suspicious and guarded as hell. Upon your first try, she dismisses you immediately. Your strategy wasn't good either. You tried to ask about a class, your one common class, which is probably the most stupid cliché icebreaker in history of modern flirting. Even your friends called you on this bullshit. They think you're only trying to get into her pants. If you're being completely honest you wouldn't mind that in the process. She's cute and there's something alluring about her, but you are the job right now. Your father's goal is your goal, but of course that's not what you tell the guys.

Your next move is a little smarter. You catch her in the hallway and try to pass her a compliment. For a moment you forget how bad you are at speaking to women and it almost works, but then you're too quick, ask her out for a cup of coffee and she's gone with the wind. She looked almost frightened and you can't help but wonder if your grip on women is as awful as the guys say. Sure feels like it.

After almost a month of one-line, one-sided conversations, she stops, stares at you with an annoyed look on her face and asks you: "Why are you suddenly so interested in me? We share one class and you barely know me."

This catches you off guard and she leaves before you have a chance to answer. Sure feels like you suck with women.

But this doesn't stop you. It's easier not to feel the rejection when you're not trying for _you_. You catch her on her way to her dorm the day after. With the grace of a drowsy giraffe, you almost hurl yourself into the glass doors to prevent her from shutting it in your face. She didn't see you run up to her and you accidentally scare the shit out of her.

"Are you stalking me now?" She snaps at you with a sharp tone once the shock has settled.

"You didn't give me a chance to answer yesterday", you explain and she raises an eyebrow at you. Suddenly you see a bit of Fiona in her and it scares you a little, but you shake it off. "You're different. And I know that sounds like such a cliché, but you are. You're shy, but you're warm at the same time. You try not to be, but you are. And I like that about you." You know that what you're trying to say comes out in very chaotic sentences and not at all as romantic as you'd hoped, but you got your honesty working for you at least.

And it seems to work. You get one of those rare smiles out of her and it gives you a tingle of hope. You dare ask her about that coffee one more time and finally she says yes.

O0O

She's one of those girls whose beauty grows on you, you realize. Like her name. Cordelia is such a long name to say, it lies weird on your tongue at first, but the more you say it, the more beautiful it sounds. Same with the rest of her. She's not just cute once you get to really look at her. She's stunning in her own quiet way. Her smile most of all – you've only seen it once or twice in the last couple of months you've spent trying to get close to her. And she has this weird feature; her eyes are two different colors. She has tried to teach you the word, but your brain constantly stumbles on the term and forgets it. You almost ruin everything when you call it weird. You're sitting at a small café on your second date – well it's a date in your head anyway – and you can't believe your own senseless stupidity when a shadow creeps over her face. You quickly spit out a flustered apology.

"It's okay. I'm used to it by now", she says. "But it always made me feel like an alien, when I was a child."

"I didn't say it wasn't pretty though. It is. Weird, but attractive."

She laughs a nervous kind of laugh and you're completely enthralled for a few seconds. It's hard to put your finger on what it is about this moment that makes you want to lean over the table and kiss her, but the feeling is definitely there. You don't though, because she's given you no indication that she's open to that yet. You fear a move like that could scare her away for good, because she seems ready to run, whenever you get close and you try not to let that get to you. Instead, you drink your coffee together in the awkward silence that follows, but when she looks up over her cup, there's a smile in her eyes and it lightens the mood. And at the end of the date she agrees to a another cup in the future, so you hope that means you didn't screw it up completely. Suddenly you realize it feels like you have something at stake here. The thought of her not agreeing to see you again has the air bottlenecking in your throat. Failing your father's plan is nowhere near the top three of reasons for your fluster. You ponder over this as you walk her back to the dorm.

The third date happens in much the same fashion, except you've found a place off campus and that makes it feel a little more real. It gives you courage, the supply of which is running dangerously low at the moment. She tells you she enjoys being with you, but the physical contact is so sparse that the guys would have signed you up for a nunnery if they knew. And you're starting to crave it. You can't keep thoughts of kissing her neck and smelling her hair out of your head. Or how she might taste like. You feel like a horny teenager, but you keep it contained, because you don't want to mess this up. You don't want to lose her. And you have a job to do. There's that.

It turns out parents is a great conversation piece with her. You have much more in common here than you could have dreamed of. She tells you how her mother has always pushed her, same as your dad, and about how Fiona Goode practically signed her college application for her to make sure she got the appropriate education for taking over the firm.

"As if I would ever possess the ability to persuade anyone in a court room", Cordelia says with calm, casual acceptance. "But she's pointed me in the direction ever since I learned to read."

"Tell me about it", you chime in. "My dad's dragged me to meetings ever since I could hold a pencil. Guess that was his way of bonding. Why talk to the kid, when you can make him take notes, you know."

"Yes, I know", she says and slips her hand over yours. The surprise registers like a pulse of electricity under your skin, but you keep your cool. Keep the talk going. It's only minutes later when the tension has settled into warmth and you think to make a move, that the notion registers with her and she withdraws her hand.

"Cordelia, did someone hurt you?" You blurt out. You wish you'd taken your time to form a more elegant or at least less blunt way of asking, but grace just isn't your strong suit.

"What do you mean?" She asks in a distant, nervous voice, which makes you think she knows exactly what you mean.

"Just… I like you, I want to be close to you, but you won't let me."

You had hoped your confession would make her happy, but it makes her look even sadder.

"You shouldn't like me, Hank. I- I have to go. I'm sorry." She gets up and leaves, before you have a chance to stop her.

It's the bottlenecked air in your throat more than it's you father's berating voice that makes you keep trying. You spend a couple of failed attempts in your shared class to get her attention and you're pretty sure her roommate is sick of you already, but that doesn't stop you. She has been avoiding you for a couple of days, and now you've had it. You get her alone. You don't dig into what she said the last time, because maybe she just had a bad day and you don't want to start off with that. Not when you're trying to up your game.

You ask her if she's doing anything in the weekend and she gives you a hesitant no.

"I want to take you to dinner. No funny business. Unless you ask." You give her a little wink, hope she realizes you're trying to be funny and at the same time very serious, but maybe your complex boy charm idiocy is lost on her, because she just looks sad. She looks sad a lot you've noticed, but you forget about it every time, because you can make her smile.

"Hank…" For a few seconds you just enjoy the way she says your name. Then you remember that you have to utter words, otherwise she'll just walk away again.

"Please, Cordelia, say yes. We have such a great time together and I know you've already studied for next week's classes, so don't give me that excuse."

This earns you a shy smile and you think she likes that you know her that well. Either way, she agrees and you dart away to look up restaurants.

You don't have the charisma that some of your friends use to line women up with, but you drag the gentleman out of yourself for this evening. Pull her chair out, tell her how beautiful she looks – and she really does look amazing in her modest blue dress and with her hair made up so you can see all of her neck – and keep to innocent, but leading touches whenever you feel allowed. You talk more about your parents and at no point does it occur to you to ask about this maid that you're supposed to dig up dirt about. Your dad would disown you if he learned the amount of energy to put into your mission tonight.

But you don't really care. Not tonight. After dinner you walk her back to campus. She stops at her door in the dorm room and turns around slowly. Thanks you again for dinner and you say no problem. You don't tell her that you'd much rather stop eating altogether and just camp out at her place, which you haven't even seen the inside of yet. You've gotten to hold her hand all the way home, but that's as far as you've come. All your friends get laid within the hour of meeting a chick, but you're on fourth fucking date and you haven't even gotten to first base. You're not even sure you're _on_ the field.

"Is everything okay?" She asks.

You smile and tell her: "Of course it is. I'm just bumped I have to walk all the way back to my own dorm alone now."

She gives you a nervous smile and then something flickers on in her eyes. A dart in her gaze and it takes you way too long to realize the invitation. She has almost turned away before you catch her, lean down and kiss her. Now you're glad you didn't push her, because you're finally reaping from the effort. Her lips are incredibly soft and this bobble of air pops in your chest in the most peculiar way. Her delicate, little hands crawl up and fist in the collar of your jacket, they pull you closer by it and you feel like you've accomplished something great. It was worth the wait, no matter how much the guys tease you tonight. You rest your hands at her waist, try not to hold her slender frame too tight, because you have a feeling it will scare her away, but the notion of her body in your embrace is amazing. She breaks the kiss again and you hear her nervous laugh tingling in your ear and that is when you consciously realize she's not just your father's scheme anymore. The mission has taken a backseat to hunting for this feeling of greatness.

O0O

Your father calls you and asks you with a diplomat's tongue how in the indefinite square miles of Lucifer's burning hell it can take you this long to get that girl to talk. He knows she's nothing like her mom, so what is the sugar-coated fucking hold-up? Are you this incompetent in every aspects of your life or is it just the women? He sure hopes you won't be this lazy when you're an employee at his firm. The tone has changed now. It's not 'once you take over my firm' anymore, no, it's 'once you've gotten yourself a steady job _at my firm_ and worked your way to the top, if you so manage, you lazy disgrace'. He never says these things but the wording between the lines is marked with thick block letters. You swallow your anger and tell him she's very guarded and the plan won't really work if she knows how he suddenly has the information, won't it? Your father doesn't have a counter argument to this so he hangs up and conveniently forgets to wish you good luck on your upcoming exam.

Not that you care.

You find Cordelia in her favorite spot of the library a few days after that dorm room kiss and sneak up behind her. She hasn't yet realized that you're there and you take a moment to take her in the way she sits there, focused and lost in her own world. Then you bow down, hover over her shoulder and say: "Good morning."

She jumps, gasps and hisses your name. The little five-year-old demon in you snickers at this and you keep your head where it is. She refuses to look at you, but stares straight at her book.

"Are you ever going to let me kiss you again?" You ask her. This makes her look up and you give her a little space so you can see her face properly. She gives you a stern look.

"Do you really think this is the place to discuss such a thing?"

"Didn't realize it needed to be a discussion."

She's annoyed with you now. She thinks you're pushy, but you forget to listen to what reprimand she's trying to give you, because something about her movements just captivates you. The way her hair falls over her shoulders, the look in her strange eyes. You like this unique feature she has. You're afraid to let your eyes wander and drop too much and you end up looking at her mouth. You're beginning to think it's unfair that she kissed you that one time, if that was all it was ever going to be. You try to tell her this, but with paraphrasing.

"I don't think you should get involved with me", she says, as she packs up her things. "I'm not exactly well balanced." She leaves you before you can argue against her. It's the second time you hear something like this, but it doesn't mean you're done trying. Maybe you are a stalker, but you decide to let that one slide.

Your friends are starting to make fun of you, because you're moving so slow on the bases. It's not like you haven't tried in any subtle way that you can, but she still holds you at arm's length ninety percent of the time. Your friends call her uptight and you tell them off. This is not a part of your cover, you do it because you hate it when they speak ill of her. There is still no trace of this dirty secret you're supposed to lure out of her and you tell your father that it takes time. You have three years left of school, there's time yet.

You walk with her every chance you get, even if it's just from one class to another. You feel oddly at ease whenever you're around her. Like everything else just becomes irrelevant. The problem with your father's goal aka your goal is that you keep forgetting it's there whenever you're with her. When no one's around it's not ways to manipulate intel out of her you think about, but what sneaky way you can get her to kiss you. She doesn't like to display emotions in public. Her guard hasn't fallen and you've come to realize that there's a darkness in her mind, she doesn't like to talk about. You guess that it's heartbreak, someone from the past still holding a sharp claw in her and you keep telling her you won't claw her down like that.

You slowly realize that you're falling for the girl you were supposed to spy on and you feel like the biggest fucking cliché on the planet.

O0O

She's hiding herself away again. You haven't seen her in a week, which has made you antsy as hell, but you've tried to keep your cool about it. The guys are teasing you like you're some infatuated little schoolgirl. You try to be clever about your shit when they're around, but the truth is you just want to be around her. Yet she's nowhere to be found.

Oddly enough, it's at the next dorm room party that you finally find her. She's sitting by herself on a couch in the corner of the common room, looking around the crowd like they're all demons who might eat her if she moves. You walk to her, but today she doesn't smile when she sees you. She only looks more miserable and then she tries to make you go away.

"Don't waste your time on me, Hank", she tells you. "I'm in no mood. Just move on please, I'll only bore you."

Being in a great mood yourself, you decide to take the challenge, so you sit down beside her and say: "All right. Try. Bore me. But I don't think you can." Your words only get half a smile out of her, but she doesn't tell you to leave.

You feel like the smoothest son of a fox there ever was. You say all the right things tonight, you make her smile. You even make her laugh at one point. You sacrificed one of your most embarrassing stories for this, but the sound of her laugh is beautiful and you feel like a hero. Somewhere along the line, your conversation has turned serious and all of a sudden, Cordelia is telling you all about Delphine, the infamous, devious maid. And now you don't care. You try to remember everything she says for your father's sake, but really you notice how her eyes flicker with anxiety and how her voice changes. You take her hand and it surprises her, but she offers you a nervous smile and entwines her fingers into yours as she finishes the story. You can hear that there are holes, there's an aspect she's leaving out, but you don't ask. You want the sadness to vanish from her face. You want her to know that that's all in the past now and you'll make sure of that. You tell her this. She looks up at you and her eyes are serious.

You lean in and kiss her. You're in a room full of people, but she doesn't push you away. She draws you closer and her tiny hands run through your hair. It makes you dizzy in a dozen different ways and you really have to get a hold of yourself to keep from behaving like a savage. She gets nervous when your hands start to wander, but her waist is safe so you keep them there. You can feel her anxiety, yet she doesn't stop.

Whole lifetimes could have gone by, but you think in reality it's about an hour, when she wiggles out of your embrace and leaves for the bathroom. When she comes back and announces she'd like to go to bed, you follow her to her dorm. You whole body is giddy and there's an idiotic smile on your lips.

"Can I come in?" You ask. You feel exceptionally bold tonight.

"Only if you promise not to push me."

You promise. You even keep your clothes on as proof. She cuddles up to you, as you lie down, and smiles. She gives you a gentle kiss goodnight and turns around. You've got your arm around her, you can feel her body pressing against yours and you can smell her hair. You're going to have to think about open wounds and dead babies a lot to keep your own body from acting out too much of the excitement you feel to be here. You fall asleep to the sound of her steady breathing.

She's out of bed when you wake up. At first you're confused about where you are, because it smells so much nicer in here and that smell has you all mixed up until shapes starts to form out of the light and you realize the dorm room is slightly different and very obviously inhabited by a girl – your girl.

You consider this and you smile to yourself at the thought. It makes you breathe a happy sigh and the noise startles her. Now she comes into focus and she's fumbling with a small orange case of something.

"Hey, are you okay?" You ask as she's stuffing it away. She doesn't look at you until she's done swallowing.

"I'm fine", she says. "It was just as aspirin."

Something about the way she twitches makes you think not and now you're concerned, but you know better than to expect an answer right away. Instead you leave it for now, get up from the bed and go to her. She's nervous again, eyeing the counter, but you don't care about what's on there. You lean down and kiss her.

"Morning, babe", you say and she shakes her head.

"Don't call me that."

You apologize because you know that's what helps the most, but you're not sorry. The fluster you see in her face is ridiculously attractive and so you kiss her again. She responds and that's all you need. You know you're in for a shitload of mockery from the guys for once again avoiding getting laid, but you don't care, because you got to lie with your arm around her all night.

O0O

You call your father up and tell him what you remember. It's the feeling of freedom when you hang up. Your job is done. But you're most certainly not done with her. In fact you're going to take advantage of the fact that you're allowed in her room now. She's not all that chatty after the incident where you're pretty sure she was lying about taking aspirin, but she doesn't stop you from kissing her. The guys keep asking you if the bench is glued to your ass yet, telling you that homerun is never gonna happen, but when you coax her down on the couch and she pulls you with her, your friends can go to hell. Kissing her is intoxicating. You've had girlfriends, but none of them compare to how much Cordelia makes you feel. A whole semester would pass you by once you got started with this, if it wasn't for her pulling away every few hours.

She might be one for moving slow, but you feel the boundaries move all the time. You're lost in kisses now and this is when you decide to try and move things up a bit. It's a selfish wish to feel some of that gorgeous skin she keeps hiding away and you move with your brain down your pants. You let your hand fall from its safe spot at her waist and down to her thigh. Grasping it as you pull her leg to you.

She stops instantly.

Within a second, the bliss is broken and she's standing, a look of fear on her face.

"What's wrong? What happened?" You ask.

"You can't do that."

"Do what?"

"Touch me there. You can't. I- please go."

The misstep threatens to choke you and the look on Cordelia's face does the rest. She looks so miserable, on the verge of tears. A horrible thought enters your mind then. It takes a hold of you within seconds and your hand is trembling when you stand and approach her carefully.

"Cordelia, please talk to me. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out, just please tell me what just happened?"

She shakes her head. "I don't want to talk about it, please let me be alone."

Dread cramps in your chest now, but you're a tiny bit angry as well. Angry that after all these months she still wants to push you away and angry at this faceless man you see in your mind's eye, violating her. Making her like this. You can't help but getting imaginary flashes of it. Actually, your anger is not tiny after all.

You take a small step closer, take her hand and she hesitantly allows it. She doesn't want to meet your gaze, but reluctantly does so when you keep staring at her.

"Cordelia, were you… Were you raped?"

The questions makes her stir, freeze up and then she yanks her hand out of yours. The shadow creeps over her face again and this time it stays. Her eyes grow cold and her voice as well, in a way you haven't heard before, but you know it means you're screwed: "No Hank, I wasn't raped. No one _did_ anything to me, I've broken all on my own."

"But…" You stare for a few seconds, dumbfounded, knowing you should say something, but you don't know what. "I thought we were doing so good. Baby please tell me."

"Don't call me that! I told you not to get involved with me, I told you I'm unstable!" She's screaming at you now, tears rolling out of her eyes and down her flushed cheeks. She turns on her heel and goes to the cupboard above the sink. The little orange bottle comes out and she throws it at you. You're too slow to catch it, you fumble with it and drop it instead. "It's antidepressants. I've been on them for years. That's what's wrong with me, I'm clinically depressed. I hope you're satisfied. Now please leave!"

You want to stay, you want to beg her to just talk to you, but you know that look. You say okay, try to give her a kiss, get rejected and leave.

O0O

You're standing in one if the gardens on campus minding your own miserable business when someone whacks your shoulder with a book.

"You're a goddamn idiot, I hope you know that."

You turn around to find Alicia, Cordelia's roommate. So far you've been convinced she thinks you're annoying and from the look on her face her feelings towards you just took a turn to the worse. You say pardon, all the while trying to convince yourself that Cordelia didn't send this girl to break up with you.

"I won't pardon you shit, Hank. What the hell did you say to her?"

You fumble with your words again, go into defense because you really don't feel like explaining your misstep to Cordelia's roommate, who up to this point has just been a set of disapproving eyes in the periphery. You didn't think she even cared that much.

"So we don't braid each other's hair, doesn't mean I appreciate her crying all day because of some douchebag move you made." She rounds up by telling you that you better fix this and then comes the verification that makes your infatuated, schoolgirl-infested heart sing: She might be in move with you.

"Not that I get it. And don't tell her I said that, either of it. And this doesn't make us friends so don't ever ask me to double date with you. Good day, idiot". Alicia then walks away, leaving you to ponder.

You spent all day trying to get in contact with Cordelia and when she refuses to answer, you take the midnight trip to her dorm room.

She doesn't answer the first time you knock. Or the third. And by now you know she's heard you. People are coming out of their rooms yelling at you to cut out the noise. You apologize and when they slam the door again, you proceed to knock. You shout her name through the door also and when you hear steps, you sincerely hope it's her and not her roommate coming to murder you with a heavier book.

It turns out to be Cordelia with a look of bone-deep exhaustion in her eyes.

"Will you please stop yelling? You're going to wake the entire dorm."

You tell her you'll keep banging on her door until she lets you in to talk and she caves. The look on her face scares the shit out of you and the word clinically depressed rings in your head like a siren. But you ignore it, because you need things back to the way they were two days ago. Nothing has ever been as important.

"Look", you tell her, trying your best not to let the unease show. "I can overlook the medicine and the whole thing, if you want me to. It doesn't make me want you less. But I don't want to leave you alone. Can you honestly say that you want me to?" You have the guts to ask this because her roommate just confirmed that she doesn't.

She sighs deeply, looks around a bit and then say, with a voice of defeat: "No."

At first you want to smile, but you can't because she says it like that. You ask her why that makes her so sad and she sighs again, then drags you by the hand to the bathroom. You have a bad feeling about this, but before you have a chance to say anything, protest or lighten the mood with your unclever jokes, she has sat herself down and pulled up her skirt. For a foolish second your mind goes straight into your pants, but the situation is too grave for it to linger there. Her reveal has nothing to do with enticement, she's showing you something.

Just above her knee, you can see the cuts begin.

"The rest is like that", she says.

For a moment you can't think. And when you can, all you think is how sad it is that someone so good and beautiful is so scarred. Suddenly you can put together why she was so upset about your hand on her thigh; these cuts were fresh. It must have hurt in more ways than one. You crouch down in front of her and though you swore you wouldn't let her see that it bothers you, you fear it's all over your face when you look up at her.

"I don't know how to stop", she tells you. "It's been like this for years already. I don't think I will ever stop. You should go now, before you regret getting involved with me."

You stammer at first, not sure what to say and it's enough to bring the tears out in her eyes. She has already assumed your choice and it makes you snap out of it. You don't think this time either, you just get back up and kiss her. The kiss takes her by surprise and she flinches back after only a brief touch, eyes filled with shock.

You've finally managed to get your brain to work and you tell her: "I'm not going anywhere."

There has never been a thing more beautiful than the smile that breaks out on your girl's face then.

O0O

"Can I tell you something, Hank?"

"What?" She leans against you, watches your fingers as they entwine with hers.

"I don't want to be a lawyer."

You don't tell her that her wish makes for a poor choice of classes, because you know why she's here. She's trying to please her mother, just like you're trying to please your father. You connect well over this, both quite acquainted with the feeling of living in the shadow of your parent's greatness. Instead you ask her: "What do you want to be then?"

Her face is difficult to see, but you get an inkling of a smile. "A school teacher", she says.

O0O

You've been sleeping in her room almost every night for the past two months now. Seven months you've known each other and tonight when she turns and kisses you goodnight, there's something new in it. It's when her hand starts tugging at your shirt you realize it isn't a kiss goodnight. She pulls you to her and in a swift movement you're on top of her and it's like those heated make-out sessions you have, where you need to run mental films of dead babies just to keep in check. Only it's more than that. You let a careful hand travel up and down her body, careful to avoid those trigger zones and she responds to it. You can hear it in her breathing and suddenly you're in a state of full awareness. You let your hand inside the t-shirt she sleeps in and you marvel over how soft her skin is. It's like women's entire bodies are made of silk and this one wants your hands on her. She's braless underneath the t-shirt. She moans softly when you touch her and you really need some morbid still pictures of dead babies stat. You try to be as delicate as possible, but it's hard to keep the focus. Especially when she grips the edge of your own t-shirt and pulls it off over your head. The skin contact, however small, is pure gold.

She breaks the kisses and looks into your face with an expression that is both flustered and serious. "You have to go easy on me", she says. "I've never been with a guy before."

There's a loaded undertone in her voice and it makes you ask: "But you have been with someone?"

"Yes... Does that bother you?"

You swallow thick. "No." You're actually quite embarrassed to admit that it's the opposite rather.

"Good", she says, bites her bottom lip and smiles in a way that makes you dizzy. You bend down and kiss that lip, hold it between your own teeth and you stupidly think that paradise must taste something like this lip. You make a mental note to never mention this particular thought to any of the guys.

Her grip on you becomes tighter, you feel a heat rising. You spin your bodies around and now you feel her weight on you, pressing lightly in all the right places.

Dead babies, dead babies.

But then she sits up and pulls her t-shirt off and dead babies can fly away.

You wake up to the sweet feeling of her body against yours. She wakes up as soon as you start to move, greets you with a smile and you never want to leave this bed. You stay in bed and talk for most of the day. She tells you about the girl she dated previously and for a short time, until her mother saw an end to it. You don't get the feeling that this short lasting girlfriend is the reason for the heartbreak that has turned Cordelia's inside dark and frightened and you don't ask. You just want to enjoy the moment. You drop a comment on the horrors that is the way of your parents both and she agrees. You leave it there and kiss her instead. Now that you have finally slept together there is a new ease in the way she kisses you and how far you're allowed to take it before she stops you. You're soaring on a cloud and you're afraid it's bright pink.

O0O

"Babe, can we please make it official?"

"I don't know, Hank…"

"Why not? Do you want to sleep with other guys?"

"No of course not."

"Do you want to sleep with girls again?"

She laughs at you. "No. You wish."

"I really don't. Are you ashamed to be with me?"

She looks at you, horrified. "No! _You_ should be ashamed, that's the problem."

"Why on earth would I be ashamed of being with you? You're smart and beautiful and kind and you make me feel like a whole person. And did I mention you're incredibly hot?"

"And clinically depressed." You give her a look. You've had this conversation before and you would never admit that her illness terrifies you, so you have made sure that she knows it doesn't matter. "Why is this label so important to you?" She asks instead.

"Because I want to shout from the rooftops that you're mine and ' _maybe'_ doesn't quite have the kick."

It takes you another few weeks to convince her to let you call her babe in public, but once she accepts it, your whole dynamic changes. She is still shy, but she doesn't shy away from you under the public eye. You now have two shared classes, in which she refuses to sit beside you, but at the end of class when you find her and kiss her, she only smiles and takes your hand.

Her roommate is so sick of you now, because you show up every day and she ensures you that anything less than an A on her papers will be your fault. You try to care, but you fail miserably whenever Cordelia opens the door. From here all connections to your brains are lost. You swoop her up in a kiss immediately and lift her up onto the counter behind the door.

"Not now", she whispers breathlessly. You've found the spot on her hip that drives her nuts and it thrills you that she sounds so flustered already. "My roommate is home."

It's hard to care when nothing north of your belt carries the weight of decision-making. "Alicia?" You shout. "Would you mind giving us the room?"

You can almost hear her roll her eyes. Seconds later, she's in the doorway. "Yes, Hank, I would in fact. I realize that my dear roommate is the lay of the year for you, but some of us are trying to graduate."

Cordelia blushes red with embarrassment, but you can't say that you disagree with Alicia.

O0O

The first meeting with Cordelia's mother goes about as well as your first attempt to seduce her daughter. She remembers you from that one time you were introduced, although she refers to you as 'boy Foxx', which gives you some associations to Boy George that you're not overly fond of. From there is takes her about one minute to decide she hates your guts and you are no good at sucking up. You've never been good with women, but this one takes the crown for sure.

The only reason she is visiting is because she's got some meeting in town, concerning her law firm. Cordelia explains to you that she's having some trouble with the media, as the dragon mother herself does nothing to explain her constant phone calls during the dinner you have at some restaurant far from campus. You honestly can't decide whether to feel smug or ashamed.

"Please don't mention that I said anything", Cordelia says. "She hates it when people spot dents in her armor." You cross your hearts and pinky-swear and Cordelia laughs at you. You take her hand and give a reassuring smile just as Fiona returns to the table.

"Don't presume to fondle my daughter in my presence, boy. I haven't decided about you yet."

"Mother, please be nice."

You dutifully withdraw your hand and pretend not to feel the cold wind between the two. You can reach Cordelia's knee under the table, where Fiona can't see, so you place it there. It relaxes her and you're good for now. You quickly realize the need to tread very carefully around all Goode women, even if it is for very different reasons. You sneak a glance at Fiona Goode, as you think this. You have a creeping suspicion that this one can breathe actual fire, should you misstep one too many times.

O0O

One day Cordelia receives a phone call that her aunt is sick. You're in the room when it happens and you watch her face turn white. You know how much she loves this aunt, who is also nothing like Fiona. The aunt, Myrtle is her name, is admitted to a hospital in New York and Cordelia says she needs to go at once. She asks you to come with her and you say yes without hesitation. You don't need your savings that bad.

Despite cancer eating up her lungs, Myrtle Snow is a joyful old woman and sure enough everything Cordelia's mother is not. Fiona hasn't even arrived yet, as she's stuck with complications at her firm. You're secretly grateful for this. Myrtle greets you with high spirit and a fragile, croaky voice, kisses Cordelia on her cheeks and gives you all sorts of curious looks. Cordelia introduces you to her as her boyfriend and you try not to smile like an idiot, because the situation is far too serious for that, but Cordelia's aunt waves the frown off your face.

"No need for that sour pretense, my boy, it'll only remind us of ill things. Tell me how you two met!" Cordelia has lost most of her words in her worry, so it's on you to tell her aunt all the embarrassing ways you've courted her niece. Myrtle smiles and congratulates you.

"I only wish our dear friend could have been here too", Myrtle says and you're shocked to see how Cordelia visibly cringes as if covering herself from a fatal blow.

"Please don't mention her, auntie." Her voice has been small with sadness and worry all afternoon, but it has just shrunken even more. It's paper thin now and sounds almost scared. You give Cordelia a look, but she disregards it, not willing to explain.

She doesn't explain that night either or the next day. On the last day of your visit – Myrtle has insisted you fly back to New York and learn something, because she'll be fit as a fiddle in just a minute – you seek Myrtle out alone and ask about this 'dear friend' who hasn't been mentioned by a word since the first day and not once before that. Myrtle explains that she was an orphan when Cordelia found her in the woods and that she came to live with the Goode family. It's obvious in the aunt's speech that she thought highly of the girl too. The child of the swamp had them both mesmerized, her and Cordelia.

"They were a special pair of girls", Myrtle says. "So close. Never one without the other. Cordelia never had it easy with friends when she was a girl, but Misty was loyal to the end. Shame her mother showed up when she did, but I can't blame the girl for wanting to know her own mother. My sister never excelled at being one for her."

"And she just went away for good?"

Myrtle gives you a piercing look. "You should ask Cordelia herself. It might do her good to talk about it. And she trusts you. I can see that. Trust doesn't come easy to her."

Something about Myrtle's kindness and calm makes you want to spill your guts. In a moment of weakness you blurt out all your worries about Cordelia and basically begs her aunt to help you handle it. Myrtle only smiles and says: "You're doing fine, Hank. She's in good hands with you and she's far better than she has been in five years."

It takes you all day to summon the courage. Cordelia notices and alone at the hotel at night she asks you the matter. She's wary already and you're not sure that's a good sign. You sit her down and then ask:

"I've been meaning to ask you… about Misty?"

Cordelia looks like you've just hit her in the face. You can tell she's shocked and already starting to hurt and you hate this conversation already.

"Where did you learn her name?"

"Myrtle told me." Cordelia mumbles that of course she did. "I'm sorry, I just want to understand", you quickly say. Cordelia nods and admits that you should probably know. So she tells you. She tells you the things that Myrtle has already said, but you don't stop her, because she's far away in memory. She's crying two sentences into the story and you wish you could make it stop, but then you remember Myrtle saying that it would do her good to talk, so you just sit there and hold her hand, while she tells the story. She adds things Myrtle didn't, like how this girl used to comfort her when she was teased or how she always stood up to Fiona. How they could sometimes communicate a whole day without ever speaking. When the story gets to the point where Misty disappeared with her mother, Cordelia can't get a word out through the tears and you tell her it's okay to stop. You pull her in and she cries in a way she never has before. You realize that somehow this girl broke her heart, that this girl might be half the reason Cordelia is always keeping the world at an arm's distance. You know she used to be into girls and you wonder if there's a connection, but you don't say this out loud, because Cordelia doesn't use that label with this girl.

"Now you know", Cordelia says, once she can control her voice again. "I don't want to talk about her ever again." You nod and tell her it's okay. You won't ask again. You don't want to be the one to make her face look like that ever again either. Her pain is still so fresh that it cuts into your chest as well.

You tell her you love her. It comes as much out of the blue for her as it does for you, but you know immediately that you mean it. She doesn't say it back and you don't ask her to. Instead you promise her that you'll never leave her and you keep promising it until she believes it.

O0O

Over the next couple of months, Cordelia goes back and forth between Boston and New York. Fiona doesn't bother with either of you much, because her law firm is falling apart. You feel more guilty than smug now about this whole thing, and count yourself lucky that Cordelia is too upset to connect the dots. She will never forgive your for spilling her secret about Delphine. The relationship with her mother might resemble quiet loathing, but you know that's not the real case and Cordelia would never see through the act, even if she understood why you did it, so you keep your mouth shut and pray she never finds out.

You make a few semi-elegant attempts at finding out more about this childhood friend, because all of a sudden you see her in every bad mood Cordelia has. Cordelia is having none of it though and you almost accidentally start a huge fight over it, because you did promise to never ask again, so you keep your mouth shut about this Misty person. You sometimes find yourself wishing that she would come back and undo the damage she has done on Cordelia, just so you wouldn't have to see that shadow lingering in her face. But then you remember that clinical depression is a lot of things and you decide to push the childhood friend away. Cordelia has made it clear she won't talk about it and you'd much rather stay on her happy side. She gives into you more easily now after you've so clumsily declared your love for her.

And who cares if you have deadlines? Your girl needs you to take care of her. Even your friends are starting to give you credit for actually following through with this. They still think you just wanted the challenge of a lifetime and you let them believe it. Because you won it, didn't you?

Then comes the day that puts a spin on your entire life. It's a call from the hospital and you're there to take it. You find Cordelia and you almost don't want to hand her the phone, because the drastic change of light in her eyes scares the shit out of you, but you know you have to.

When Myrtle dies you're actually afraid of Cordelia. Or perhaps not of her, but of the darkness inside her. You try to convince yourself that you're scared _for_ her, but the whole truth is that the cold emptiness of her gaze leaves you coiled up with terror. You would never admit it and you use all the tricks you have to try and coax her back to the light, but it feels like she has descended into a hole so deep and so dark she might never get out again. You're climbing walls, you're missing all your assignment deadlines, you fail an exam and she just sits there. It's like she barely knows who you are. She doesn't seem to really register anything. You get so panicked that you end up calling her mother. Her mother hates you and no one has ever terrified you as much as Fiona Goode. She makes your dad look like one of those fat little boy angels with curly hair playing on harps. But you had to. Cordelia is saying things you don't understand, she's hearing things you can't.

Calling Fiona does indeed set things in motion, but you're not sure it's for the better. Not for you anyway, because Mother Goode takes Cordelia away from you. She gathers her things and ships her off to an institution where you're not allowed to visit her. Only the dragon enters this cave and though you have countless of fights with her, but she won't budge.

You try to focus on your exams, but you fail all but one, because every waking thought goes to your girlfriend, the only news of whom is that she's having a psychotic break. These are not her mother's words, but an actual psychiatrist and that scares you even more. At first your friends told you to stop being so under the whip that you can't function alone, but even they slowly realize that this shit is serious. They start to bring you food, because you forget to eat. One of them even helps you with the studies – and that's the one exam you pass.

It's been a month, all your exams are done and you have nothing to do but call the dragon and the hospital in turn. You're just about to go tear the front door of either place down, when Fiona calls you and says that Cordelia's home and she's been asking for you. You literally drop everything, including the beer you've been holding and you're out the door before it hits the floor.

She looks miserable. She looks broken and worn out, but you don't tell her that. You push straight past her mother, take Cordelia in your arms and tell her how beautiful she is. She's still not one for talking, but she hugs you back and that's good enough. The next few days you spend washing her hair and making sure she eats. The new medication makes her more sleepy and so you spend a lot of afternoons reading books while she falls asleep on your chest. Perhaps you should have brought some schoolbooks for all the stuff you missed, but you don't dare leave her long enough to go get some.

The night before she's supposed to return to campus the light has returned to her eyes. She speaks of Myrtle for the first time and you know that's a good sign. Then she looks you in the eye and tells you she loves you.

O0O

You're an idiot when it comes to women. You have no clue how to be romantic or make a big deal out of the right things. But you're honest. You've got that going for you. And one month after graduation, sitting on the floor of the apartment you have just bought together you tell her these things straight out.

"You know I like that you fumble with the words sometimes", she says with a reassuring smile. "It makes you more human. And it's what made me love you."

That and the fact that you came flying when she was lost in the dark you think, but you don't say that. Partly because you want to create a good atmosphere for what comes next, but mostly because of that famous word-fumbling. You know you're sure to fuck it up, if you try talking again. So instead you pull the ring out. You give her a second to take it in, before you basically beg her to marry you. You feel like you might barf any second because there's shock in her eyes and she stares at you like you're insane. Slowly, tears come to her eyes and now she smiles at you.

"Yes", she says. The tears roll out, she grins and says it again.

Your hands may be shaking more than hers when you put the ring on her finger, but it doesn't matter now because you have never been happier.

O0O

She's standing there in her white dress with a smile that sparkles from her eyes. She's the most beautiful sight you've seen in your entire life. Your ceremony is small, because neither of you know or are liked by that many people. Your college friends are there, and Cordelia's old roommate, Alicia, who has already commented on how she helped make sure you kept on the right track. Your dad is there and Fiona as well and you're not entirely sure which of them is most uncomfortable standing next to the other. Or who is less pleased by the arrangement.

But you barely notice any of them. You have plans to settle down in Boston with the woman of your dreams, as soon as she says those words. Her break is already a thing of the past, she is well and she chose to stay with you even when she no longer needed you to make sure she got through the day.

The priest asks you the question and you stammer your response. Cordelia gives you a little smile, because of this joke between you and it makes you grin like a little boy. She tells you "I do" and you feel like the luckiest son of a fox under the sun.


End file.
